How to Use Authentic Relating to Master your Work Relationships
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Do you ever find yourself wondering what your co-workers are thinking? Or perhaps you’re even struggling to pick up a conversation with them past “How’s the weather today, eh?”. You might find misunderstandings are rife in your workplace because of how people communicate and you just generally struggle to form any sort of connection with anyone. Well, we have a solution for you: Authentic Relating. Never heard of it? No problem. In this article, we’ll explain what it is, why it’s useful and examples of how you can use it at work to master your work relationships.
What is Authentic Relating?
Authentic Relating is a practice that uses openness, vulnerability, empathy, and presence to form deep and meaningful connections with others. So if by chance, you were looking for quick psychological hacks to impress people and climb the corporate ladder in record time… this isn’t it. The ‘authentic’ in authentic relating requires just that. Authenticity. If you’re ready to be real then let us explain why it’s useful.
Why use Authentic Relating?
To be brief, nothing is going to have the sort of impact on your life as much as a deep, genuine connection. There’s tons of research out there now that tells us that loneliness is detrimental to not only your mental health but also your physical health. An article by Forbes outlines just how dangerous loneliness can be - increasing your mortality rate by up to 30%. Meanwhile, connection in the workplace is shown to have numerous benefits, specifically the link between workplace relationships and mental well-being.
Authentic relating gives you a toolset and processes you can learn in order to build these relationships at work. This toolset can help with conflict resolution, feedback, understanding, and relational conversation.
The Tools and Skills of Authentic Relating
Although Authentic Relating includes numerous practices, tools, and exercises, there are 6 rules of engagement that form the basic toolkit. If you learn to practice these points in every conversation, you will be able to master your relationships at work and in your personal life.
Be present & fully engaged - Notice your inner experience. When someone talked about feeling stressed about the current project you’re working on, how did you feel? Share your inner feelings back to them and it will help them feel seen. “When you said that, I felt…”
Have an open mind - Do not come into the conversation with judgment. No one is going to want to share their thoughts and feelings if they know you are going to judge them. It only takes one comment for them to never want to share with you again.
Challenge ideas, not people - If someone has an opposing value or idea to you, do not fight with the person. Challenging the person will create tension, anger, and frustration. Challenge the idea - ask questions and voice concerns (respectfully).
Actively listen to others - Active listening is one of the most important social skills anyone can learn. Don’t get distracted. Reflect, summarize and ask questions for clarity. This will help the other person feel heard.
Confidentiality - If Clarence tells you about what’s going on in his personal life, don’t go tell other people. Confidentiality is vital to maintain trust and allow for vulnerability - if Clarence wanted to share with the whole office, he would. Gossip does not start with you, and when it gets to you, it ends.
“I” statements - Projecting blame and making assumptions are the biggest source of misunderstanding and tension. Using “I” statements keeps your experience yours instead of trying to make it facts. “You did that on purpose.” vs “I feel like you did that on purpose.”
Toolset in Context
You get to work and you notice Clarence is making coffee in the kitchen. You join him in the kitchen and you make your coffee too. Clarence asks you how your weekend was. “Fine” is your usual reply, but not today. “I had a little bit of trouble sleeping this weekend and did a lot of fixing up at the house which was tiring, so I’m pretty excited for this cup of coffee.”
This small but honest share made Clarence feel he could be open too. His cat is sick and it’s weighing pretty heavily on him this week. You’re not a cat person, in fact, you rather dislike cats, but his story does remind you of your dog. “I’m sorry to hear that. I hope he gets better and pulls through. That reminded me of my dog and I feel sad thinking about him being sick.”
This small exchange marks the beginning of a much deeper relationship with your co-worker. Slowly but surely you can build this relationship with anyone at work and the empathy and vulnerability you learn are two of the most sought-after leadership skills. So long as you don’t go to the rest of your co-workers and tell them about Clarence’s sick cat, that is. That wouldn’t be very authentic of you.
